Difficult choices

Part of the most frustrating thing about my illness is that I can’t control it. At the moment I am flaring badly, my fatigue is quite high, as is my pain. I think it’s the change in the weather.

I have two major foci right at this moment – my flute exam on Saturday and two days filming next week for a client. I’m really excited about the filming, I thought of the original concept, wrote the script and have storyboarded it out.

I have a meeting tomorrow morning to discuss this and other things too.

Tonight is the penultimate band rehearsal for our Christmas concert in a couple of weeks. I can’t make next week’s because of the filming.

I’m not going tonight as I need my energy for tomorrows meeting and I need to rest my hands as much as possible and conserve the energy for my exam.

Most of my joints at the moment are quite painful, it feels like someone has inflated them all and my fingers feel like fat sausages. It makes playing the flute difficult.

Now, I absolutely can push through the fatigue and pain and go to rehearsal tonight. And then push through for my meeting tomorrow. However pushing through comes with a high price. There will be a collapse quite soon after. Have I said that I have my exam on Saturday and really important and exciting filming next week?

So, I have made a difficult choice. I’m not going to rehearsal tonight. And because all of the Christmas pieces are new to me I need those last two rehearsals so that I can perform at my best. Not going to rehearsal tonight means I am not going to play in the concert.

I have said multiple times about how much I love playing in the band, how it’s important to me and how it has helped my health improve.

Difficult choices need to be made and this is one of those. I can rage against how unfair it is (which it is), wasting energy and getting myself into a state.  Or I can accept it as part of my illness.

Importantly I also need to accept that this is unfair, and I do feel sad. Acknowledging my feelings and allowing a little time to reflect on the sadness is part of being mindful. Denying my feelings and telling myself to buck up and get on with it is a sure fire way to have a melt down as the crushed feelings will pop back up again.

I accept that this is a choice which has been made out of compassion and kindness. I am sad, but it is the right thing to do. I will spend tonight in a nice warm bath, with scented candles and music and then some time meditating and journalling by candlelight too. I will cook a wonderful meal and chill out.

Wondering about the changes here? I’m in a state of flux

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6 Comments

  1. I’m sorry about your pain and fatigue…my story is different, but I too need to limit the amount of activities I do, or I will get burn out and trigger anxiety attacks and then everything can spiral out of control pretty soon…so it’s all about priorities, and choosing what’s most important…I read somewhere that the difficulty is not saying no to things you don’t like, but saying no to things you’d like to do, but just cannot do…we all have limited time, and limited energy. Your energy – and mine too – might be less than average, but in the end everyone has a limit so…let’s be gentle with ourselves 🙂
    Good luck with the filming!

  2. Thank you! It is very hard to limit ourselves, especially when I want to do all these things! But I am slowly learning how to best take care of myself, and it is by saying no, often to things I would like to do

  3. Jen, I am sorry for your pain and fatigue. I understand very well that it can feel very uncomfortable, especially when you have to play the flute and write. To me, pain and fatigue ruins the day. I hope that your concert goes out well and your filming project.

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